Those Phrases given by A Parent Which Rescued Us when I became a New Parent

"I think I was just in survival mode for a year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the demands of becoming a dad.

But the actual experience quickly turned out to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her main carer while also caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, each diaper… every stroll. The role of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You are not in a healthy space. You need some help. What can I do to help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more accustomed to talking about the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties dads go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a larger failure to open up between men, who still hold onto damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It isn't a display of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - particularly in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to request a respite - spending a short trip overseas, away from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he had to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain caused his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "poor choices" when younger to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the pain.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Coping as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a family member, your partner or a professional how you're feeling. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the activities that made you feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. Examples include exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - prioritising your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the safety and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their issues, transformed how they communicate, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I expressed, on occasion I believe my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."