Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
